Sometimes I'm afraid to walk through the door. Afraid to make a mistake. Afraid to not wake up on time, even though it's the weekend and I'm not working. Sometimes I'm afraid to leave the table to go upstairs and have me time, because it might be impolite. Sometimes I'm afraid to go to the bathroom at midnight because it might be too loud and wake up one of the girls. Sometimes I hurry to leave the house just so I'm gone when they get back.
I'm tip-toeing, and I hate it. The crazy thing is I go through phases of tip-toeing. Some days I don't do it at all, I am confident and unashamed of my needs and boundaries. But other days, like today, the fear starts to crowd in, making me feel suffocated, un-at-ease, angry. Angry because I don't want to live like this every day for the next 16 months. Angry because I believe that this can work, and yet at the same time wonder if there is an easier way to do this.
But I am the one who chooses what to do with my life. I just started reading a book about boundaries. In it the author states that boundaries enable us to have better relationships, relationships that don't leave us resenting others because we have learned to stand up for our needs and our beliefs and our person hood. Learning to have boundaries for myself, standing up for myself and my needs, is relieving. Even just writing this here, telling myself that I must take care of myself to have healthy relationships with my family here, is relieving. They are good people, and I need to remember that good people will respect my boundaries and understand my needs when I stand up for them. Nobody is a mind-reader, although I am sure we have all wished someone or another could read what we were thinking, so standing up for my needs is not wrong, it's actually quiet necessary for all parties.
Thanks, God, for situations which help us to grow. Even if it's hard.